CigarettesThe taste of cigarsThat's what her tongue held for meDissociation
Midnight OceanThey've said the sands feel like silkThey were rightThey've said sea foam feels like God's breathAnd I believe them tonightI've walked into InfinityWhere a zipper-line crosses the skyI am not afraid of the ocean's salty kissI am not afraid to die
Laundry DayMy machines are brokenSo I dried my clothes outsideNow my socks feel like cloudsAnd my shirts smell like the sky
If You Could DecideWouldn’t it be niceIf you could decide what to feel?Someone could knock on your windowAnd save your life by laughing,“Let’s not be sad anymore”You’d wipe your tearsShed your griefRun from your crooked houseChase the starsIn your sun-stained carUntil you can sleepWith herWhen you cryYou actually feel betterWaking up in the morningShe’ll be in your armsAnd you’ll smell her shampooInstead of thinkingAbout the hurt that today is going to bring youWe could all decide“My heart won’t hurt anymore”And the bruises on your rib-cagesWould stop throbbingIf only it were that easy, huh?
ToleranceIn third grade my friend, Kaia gushed to me about cute boysIn our classOn televisionIn Disney cartoonsShe confessed to me in a whisperHer crush on Phoebus in “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”I didn’t tell her that my stomach filled with butterfliesWhen Esmeralda dancedI didn’t know what a lesbian wasThat information was kept from meTo shield my innocent eyesOne year when the family was supposed to go to Disney LandOur trip was cancelledBecause the Gay Pride parade was in townAnd my Dad didn’t want to “explain things to me”It would confuse meBut I wish he would’ve known that I was already confusedI thought I was transgenderedBecause only BOYS like GIRLSAnd if my parents had told me that love is universal,My self-loathing and shame would’ve have beenWashed away with a kiss of my mother’s lips on my cheekWhen I was twelve I confessed to my motherWhile she was making dinnerI lied and said I was “bisexual&
GuiltyMy left arm is bruisedMy right arm shakesThere's a pounding in my headMy chin quakesMy eyes are swollen shutSo that I will not see the dayThat God puts down his scepterAnd decides I don't need to pay
Empty ShellI didn’t think much of it when I was little.I didn’t notice all of the bottlesThat littered the counter tops and the coffee tables.I didn’t notice how you were always so unstable.I didn’t think it odd for a momentBecause the whole time I’ve been around you’ve been broken.I haven’t seen you actually happyAnd it kills me.I haven’t smelt your breath without a hint of liquorHiding behind it.You’ve always walked around with a heavier shadowThe darkness sticks to youIt slowly made its way from your shoesTo your insides and ate away at them until you were left hollow.A hollow shell.Somewhere on the climb up the mountain you fell.You broke all of your bonesAnd couldn’t make it back home.You never saw what it was like to see from the top of that mountain.To see that things get better,So you neverTried.The things that I never paid attention to when I was smallIs allThat I can see now.And I feel so horribleBecau
Letters to all the people I have kissedi. RobI expected a knight in shining armour but you werejust a boy, just a boy.ii. Jonnyyou flirted and you teased and you kissed meat midnight on new year’s eve and set the tonefor that whole god-forsaken year.iii. ThomasI could taste lies on your tongue and doubt in your fingers;you said you were a taurus but you were gemini all over.iv. Liamfriends shouldn’t kiss in the kitchen andfriends shouldn’t drink gin together andfriends shouldn’t cry, drunk on misery, andfriends shouldn’t break another friend’s heart andI’m still sorry.v. PeteI expected just a boy but you werea knight in shining armour, silver to the prettyivory teeth, who was looking for a damsel and foundonly don quixote, tilting at windmills and refusingto be saved.vi. Helenwe were drunk and you were more beautifulunder the harsh car park lights than I had noticed beforeand you were mid-sentence and I was mid-hiccup andwe still laugh about it now.vii. Na
School, Tests, and All The RestI'm not smart enough for this.I have no answer for this question.The more I search my brain,The more I feel inadequate.I cannot fathom the correct answer.Didn't I study this for hours?Why is your intellect basedOn such trivial things?Apparently, I am not as smart as I thought.Why don't I know what to write?This test is a nightmare.Why can't I get this right?The only thing about me I was proud ofHas now vanishedBecause my textbook knowledgeWasn't up to par.
on salting the field and winning the warthe phone rings again; pick it up.today, the boss asked her when you'recoming back to work. she says she doesn't knowwhen the last time you got out of your house was.you're not sure either. not all pain is fleeting.not all pain is bright and hot. sometimes, it'sjust decay.through the phone, she talks like the sun filtering throughnewborn leaves. she is miles and miles away fromthe hurricane that is battering your shoreline.she wants to know when you'll be able to look her inthe eye again. 'the boss is thinking of giving away your job,'she says. 'when will you be over this?'you don't know what you should tell her.'did you know,' you start, 'that years afterthe Mexico City earthquake in 1985, citizenswalked around thinking they still felt aftershocksin the soles of their feet?' break offhalfway through another word. stop. start again,voice shaking. 'did you know that more soldiers in the iraq warhave died by their own hand than by that of an enemy's?'voice shaking, h
.my head has become ahornet's nest—stinging, buzzing,teeming with ugly whispers and most daysi just want to get drunkon pesticides.it's too much:sitting in a history class wherethe teacher just drones onlike a broken record about how in sixty yearswe'll all be suffocating on the exhaust fumesof our parents' sins.driving on a clustered highwayin an empty car with half a tank ofgas getting passed by people toooccupied to live their lives.contemplating a black hole pompousenough to call itself thefuture as an insatiabledebt worms its way intothe valleys and canyons ofmy skin and bones.please;give me a scalpel andopen up my skull.exterminate these savage verminfrom my mind beforemy veins turn black from theirtoxic desires and my heart stopsbeating the moment i close my eyes.
Just SmileJust SmileThe rush of the wind, right beneath your feet.It's knocked you down, on the left of the street.People will laugh, people will mock, and people will scornSometimes, like me, you wish you've never been born.But like my dearest friends taught me, just smileSmile during the good times and try your darn hardest when dealing with the bad.This world is bleak, it has a lot to frown over, so just look life in the face and grin.Tell it, “no matter how bad you treat me. I'm not going to let you win!”Keep moving my guy, gal, no matter what you look like or how you sound.There's one thing hatred can't take away from from this earth,and that's the fact that frowning is more strenuous on the face.So make your life, and your body feel much better bySmiling.
SuicideForgive me,I was imperfect.I was the lie.I was not honest.Forgive me,For I am sorrow.I'm not worth it.There's no tomorrow.Why didn't anyone listen?Why didn't anyone see?I am just a mirrorof what's to be!I am empty.I am gone!I am nothingness.I'm a fraud!So please forgive me...because I'm needy...and you don't need me:you need no one.
GhostsYou have just become a shadowIt is no longer what it wasIt is no longer the sameI'm just a stranger I used to knowI know that much has changedJust a strangerso emptyso bleakso coldNothing that is now really youYou shattered and goneAnd now it's just one more person I used to knowI miss youI feel that it is difficult we could still be friendsBut you simply forgot to live
Dear MeDear me, I know we've had disagreementsAnd that we don't always see eye to eye,But the last thing I want for youIs to feel like you have to say goodbye.Dear me, I know you've been hurting a whileAnd I know that you're sick of the misery,But just keep holding on a day at a timeAnd someday you'll find yourself set free.Dear me, I know you've been crying.I've seen your demons give chase.Smile instead for things will get better.Wipe those tears off your pretty face.Dear me, I know your heart is breaking,Like your being is shattered in two,But please, don't give up just yet.The survival rate is too few.Dear me, I see that you're struggling,That you feel like you're on the brink.But keep pushing forward, keep fighting.You're much stronger than you think.Dear me, I feel so proud of you.You've made it out alive.You're happy now with all you've gained.You've reached all for which you did strive.
Past and PresentThe small me sits and criesChanting, "It will be okay"I walk up to the past me,Remembering this exact momentThe small me looks up and recognizes meAnd my face as her own"It's not going to be okay, is it?"I shake my head"No."